Friday, September 3rd -
2:04 am
Update
- Dr. Xadium
Live Action Sailor Moon
Update (Forty-Sixth Episode synopsis)
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For
some reason the Youma froze in its tracks when confronted with this
novel form of attack. |
Due to the starling LACK of any brave souls willing to contribute an
ORIGINAL synopsis for us here at Genvid, I, Dr. Xadium, have taken it upon
myself to do just that, despite not knowing more than a few words of
Japanese. Also, due to budget cuts here at Genvid we are forced to use
recycled images, thus pictures are from last week's episode.
Preview:
We flash back to episode 45, where we see that Minako's infected Makoto
with her "Kamikaze disease" , the one where you get the lump in your head
that makes you into a total moron with suicidal tendencies and a complete
and utter resistance to the comprehension of any kind of argument that uses
logic in its composition. And now, Jupiter's gone up like a Roman candle
(but not a Susan Roman candle). Minako yells "MAKOTO!" in anguish. Yes,
that's right b[BLEEP]ch, thanks to your little soliloquy, you can never
chase after boys with her or have your little episode long spats or do the
odd couple thing anymore because your words just got her *DEAD*. YOU KILLED
HER. YOU. YOU SHAME THE NAME OF SAILOR V! TAKEUCHI DEMANDS YOUR FUKU! NO,
DON'T REMOVE IT HERE, "FREAKY GIRL"! YOU HAVE AN IMAGE DVD FOR THAT
S[BLEEP]T. Oh, I digress. So sorry. The scene changes to Motoki, who has
just broken his "little turtle." You know Motoki, that wouldn't happen if
you didn't let it dangle between your fingers all over the place. The scene
cuts again to Usagi, whose "Rabbit senses" are tingling, telling her "Makoto
go BOOM BOOM", but all she interprets that as is an unfortunate incident
involving Makoto and the remnants of her bean chili from the night before.
Opening Credits:
Luna flies around the screen powered by her flatulence. And it's not any old
regular flatulence either. It's SPARKLY Flatulence. Hmm. I wonder if Toei will
sell that too... New! Hypaa Supaa Spalkuri Fratulence!! But which of
the Senshi would hawk it to the masses??
The show starts again. Usagi runs through the streets like the rabbit in the
old parable about the rabbit and the hare, but without the dishonorable
practice of stopping to snooze in the middle which earned her
great-grandmother the scorn of Aesop and children everywhere. She does this
because in anime, whenever you need to find anyone, no matter how lost they
are, if you just keep *running*, eventually you will run into them. It's the
law. Magellan said so. She comes across a broken and battered Sailor Luna
(as sickly sweet as the sugary spore, but with a tail to attract catgirl
fetishists!!), leading to this heart wrenching exchange:
Usagi: Luna? Dead?!
Luna: (pedantic) "Luna IS Dead"
Usagi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Luna: Hah-hah! Not really!
Usagi: You Little SHI--
The camera quickly cuts to the Shinto Shrine, where Artemis is cooking some
eggs for some small children with a wicked gleam in his button-eyes, wearing
a kawaii little apron that reads "Kiss the Cook, or he'll CLAW you".
My sources tell me that the DVD version will include a deleted scene wherein
moments earlier, in full view of the kids, he went out back, leapt into the
trees, brutally dragged down some crows, ripped their throats out and
dropped their spawn into the skillet. At any rate, the TV version continues
with him telling the kids, "I call this egg 'Chibi-Phobos" and this one
"Chibi-Deimos".
The kids are crying as Artemis cooks, which is understandable, since given
what they just saw, they are TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. But Artemis blew the
whole deal when he opened his mouth to speak, because his secret shame was
revealed to the world, namely that he Sounds. Just. Like. A. Wussy. Inu.
Yasha.
Angered at their reactions, Artemis HISSES and demands they keep silent or
they will join the crows on the skillet. The children comply. He then makes
a further sinister demand, the details of which are left off camera.
The scene cuts to the Dark Kingdom, where Kuroki Mio is having a flashback,
reliving the moment of sheer glee she had when she told Usagi that that
Mamoru has stones. Mamo-chan, for his part, is grunting like he's got the
lethal constipation disease. OMG Kuroki's laughing. My, she has wide mouth.
Not as wide as Naru's though, which is a gaping maw, like the front of the
"Doomsday Machine" in classic Star Trek. I think Naru may be some kind of
serpent. Not be be outdone by "wideface" Mio, Mamoru decides that if he's
going down he'll take out as much scenery as he can in the process-- by
chewing it up as badly as possible.
Out of her flashback-induced daze, Mio becomes irate that Mamoru and Rei
won't recreate their anime love-exploits in front of her, or let her join
in. So she pouts and lets them plot by themselves. This "plotting" consists
of Mamoru's interrogation of Rei regarding Usagi's mental state, to which Rei
replies "she's smiling a lot."
Just great. In the heart of the enemy's domain and we're talking about
"Smiler" Usagi.
Speaking of the Rabbit, the scene switches to her at home, trying to call
everyone, but is getting no reply. This is because she is trying to dial
them up on a TOY CELLPHONE. I mean it's been what, 46 episodes and she STILL
thinks it's real?! But Usagi, being who she is, does not see the horrible
truth behind the Toei toy marketing machine, and so assumes she is being
avoided. To alleviate her boredom, she goes back to playing "Nurse Venus"
with Luna, ramming a glass rod into the furry toy's sewn shut mouth, fatally
discharging its precious-life-stuffing.
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If
she smiles any wider she'll look just like those Canadian kids on South
Park. |
Back at her spacious apartment, Minako and-- WTH, Makoto(!)
are talking. Is she a ghost, or a Jedi projection, something COOL that might
explain why she's up and TALKING after getting blown to bits? No.
Minako explains that the Youma, having a sudden attack of conscience brought
about by Usagi's passionate speech in episode 200 of the anime, flung Mako
away at the last second.
Sure.
We all know why you saved her, Mina. The Cult of Aino Minako's Cherry
Kool-Aid non-operating-dumba$$-Past Life Regression Surprise needs its first
member liver and kicking so others can be suckered in via subliminal
messages in "Dance Videos". We know who you work for, Live Action Aino
Minako.
It seems Makoto learned her role well-- too well. Even bandaged up tighter
than Rei Ayanami at a cosplay convention for sick fetishist Otaku, Mako is
still whining on about how she failed to do her job and how her life means
nothing at all because of the "mission".
Seeing that her role as series Nihilist is in danger of being co-opted by
the otherwise un-character developed Makoto, "Freaky Girl 2" Aino (T-Shirts
now on sale people) pretends to FINALLY understand what Hino Rei has done
everything short of Semaphore to her the last bunch of eps. She won't be
thrown off the boat like L. Ron. No sirree. Time to nip this zealotry in the
bud!
Back in the batv Berylcave, Rei and Mamo have HOT animal relations.
Well no.
They just relate HOTLY to animal-like Mio, who looks like a smiling Ferret.
Of Evil.
Back at the Hotel, live action Mina and Mako fulfill every fanboy's dream
and DO NOT make out. Mako starts rambling on about how even is SHE dies,
Jupiter will be ETERNARU, and Venus starts giggling because apparently the
stupidity infection has spread to her hippocampus funnybonus. Determined to
not be upstaged, and Using her mad gossip skillz, Mina lays the guilt trip
down on Mako, telling her that she has to live because the geeky boy who got
iced in Battle Royale 2 (Motoki) loves her, leading to the following
exchange:
Mako: "how u know this man"
Mina: "you were mumbling while you were on my truth drug delirious."
Mako: NO
Mina: YES
Mako: NO
Mina: YES
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"I
have a stone in my gut and it feels GREAT!" |
As this stunning banter continues, Artemis walks in--well scuttles
really--and says "Minako, my mastar plan is compleat. You will come with me
and be my woman you freaky girl you".
Well no. He would have said that if he wasn't a plush toy and thus
lacking testosterone. What he really did was beg her in his girly
voice to "come with him", despite her protests that that was still not
physically possible due to his status as a plush. Eventually she relents and
they go out... TOGETHER (shokku!!)
THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL HERE FOR CRAP I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE
SELLING BUT IT LOOKED COOL. POPENBARRY
When the show comes back, Usagi and Luna are arguing because Luna didn't
call her when the monster appeared. Sorry, I have to say it. Umm Usagi? When
they DO APPEAR you whine and cry and go "ahahahahah I don't want to fight
anymore I'm a plain ordinary girl" and now you b[BLEEP]ch out the cat when
she gives you your wish? Damn girl, make up your mind.
Usagi asks Luna if she is being avoided. Luna replies by avoiding her
question. Then Luna says the diplomatic equivalent of "You're a loose cannon
berserker whose whiny man-crazed butt is going to get us all killed because
of that damn deus ex machina magic space rock contraption you have so
conveniently managed to mount in your TOY locket, complete with blinking
LEDS"--which is to say she told Usagi "I like chicken i like liver meow mix
meow mix please deliver".
That sad scene completed, back in the Dark Kingdom, Jadeite bursts in on the
Menage a Mio, aching to kill someone other than his dentist. As anime
Minako would say, in this scene, Mio does a flawless take on the restaurant
scene in "When the Hairy met Sally's--", freaking out on the bed while everyone
ELSE rolls their eyes in shame at having to share oxygen with her.
Mamoru threatens to END the past life, to which Rei replies something akin
to "Dumbass, it's already over, that's why it's the PAST f'n life and not
the PRESENT life, which is the one we are living in... present...ly." Rei
shuts up after that.
Mamoru then does a SUPER COOL ACTION SCENE where he blocks the angry
Jadeite's super cool ice daggers with... a plastic f'n sword straight from
Ultraman Kamen 666. He then pulls a Shatner in this following dialog:
Mamoru: "I... leave... Usagi... to... you!"
Rei: f[BLEEP]k.
The scene changes to the sidewalk, where two colorfully dressed acrobatic
streetwalker-- err, Sailors Mars and Mercury cartwheel and panty shot their
way to resounding ineptitude against Mr. Metal Youma.
Back at the Shrine, Artemis, meanwhile, has taken Mina to the bushes outside
Rei's shrine. There, in that tranquil environment, in the lush verdant
foliage, they finally... do it. Yep, the rumours were true. They peep on
small children.
The "Children of the Sakura" are dazedly repeating the "Cest La Vie" song,
causing Minako to exclaim, "Oh, SNAP! The Subliminal messages WORKED AFTER
ALL! The World can be MINE! I want to live!"
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"Artemis, your perversity knows no bounds." |
ANOTHER COMMERCIAL HERE WHY ARE THE GUMMY BEARS TALKING
I WANT THE SHOES OF JAPAN
THIS RPG LOOKS JUST LIKE FINAL FANTASY AND FEATURES KNOCKOFF JAILBAIT
TIFA
The show resumes, and we see Motoki lying on the ground, dead.
Well, we wish he were dead.
He's lying there.
Chilling.
Or something.
Makoto runs up to him and forgets to pick his pocket. As she tries to get an
oscar by "Tamahome"ing Motoki to death, he ruins the moment in classic
Sailormoon style by offering to let her see his small turtle. To
everyone's shock, she lovingly takes his small turtle into her hands... and
runs off with it. Motoki understandably passes out after that.
At the Shrine once more, Artemis has hocked a micro-loogie at Minako's face,
and thus her "tear" of understanding is born. They speak:
Mina: I want to live... Artemis... so I CAN KILL YOU!!
Artemis: You know how I want to die, Mina. With you. In be--
Mina: IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR YOU! BESIDES, IF YOU'RE LIKE LUNA,
WOULDN'T YOU BE JUST *FIVE YEARS OLD*?
Artemis: So?! that didn't stop Butters on South Park!
Mina: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WATCHING SOUTH PARK!!
Artemis: The only reason I hang out with you is you're rich enough to get
satellite, you know.
Back on the Generic Tokyo Street, Jupiter comes THUNDERING in to aid Mars
and Mercury... and promptly gets tossed aside like day-old manga.
Queen Beryl, from her secret undisclosed location, looks at the chaos and
wonders "what do I have to do to not let the planet get destroyed?" Well.
LET. ME. THINK. B[BLEEP]CH.
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Concrete Sunbathing, new from Visual Kei. |
Maybe you shouldn't be unleashing energy sucking youmas all over the place
and coveting the ONE man who belongs to the one girl in the WHOLE damn world
that has the power to BREAK THE PLANET IN TWO WITH MERELY A WHINE?!
Anyway. The fight rages on on the street and Mercury goes down. Blah. So
much for her power up. After a ton of episodes showing Mercury as tough and
competent, she gets flying tackled by a pansy-a$$ lobby sign. A SIGN. And
not even a sign filled with evil powers, or made of super dense carbon
neutronium. No, just a regular sign. Ok. So Gravity helped it. A little. But
c'mon, a Senshi who can leap into the air, do TONS of cartwheels and run at
bionic speed, you mean she can't pull out from under a sign that weighs
*less* than some kid's schoolbags? I guess they're trying to get her back to
her anime roots or something.
Just when the whole thing seems lost, FREAKY GIRL AINO ARRIVES with her
FREAKY NEW cool-a$$ DAY GLO GOLD AURA OF "I'ma gonna lay the SMACKDOWN on
you, metal man". I may not like live-acton Mina, but she's got the SFX, man.
Even as the others SCREAM at her not to hog their moment of dramatic angst
and suffering the MEGA HENSHIN music kicks in, and Sailor PENAS has arrived.
(well in Mars' world- to the rest of us, Sailor *Venus* just made the scene.)
The Youma is so totally unimpressed and talks smack to the Solder of Tough
Love, who responds by whipping out a Rolling Heart Vibrator.
As the youma sweatdrops, Venus smirks and says "Fooled you! ROLLING HEART
VIBRATION!" and with a shot of heart-shaped multicolored lights that must
have Chibiusa screaming all the way to the patent office, the baddest Youma
of the SERIES is down for the count. All the girls team up and do the Sailor
Planet... err, Moonlight Attractive whatever-the-heck attack and finally put
the costume design department back to work as the youma they've been
overusing (for the past what, two months?!) is finally retired. In the park.
Motoki finally gets himself up, but unfortunately Makoto is nowhere around.
He should have used Cialis for the 36 hour window.
We cut to Usagi and "GAPING MAW" Naru meeting at the hospital
and Naru dislocates her jaw and swallows Usagi whole.
Well no.
But you know she will one day.
You know it.
To wrap up the episode, Rei and Mina engage in one ups-man-ship... the game
*neither* of them can win without radical surgery.
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OH s[BLEEP]t I BROKE TEH PLANET!!! |
ACT 47 Preview
Mako: So how about tomorrow, freaky gal?
Mina: Hell yeah!
Rei: Party time, Excellent
Mako: We should tell the Rabbit!
Mina: Why don't we keep it "secret"
Ami: That's GOOD
All: Heheheh baka usagi.
AD: BUY OUR TOYS BECAUSE THE SHOW IS OVER AND WE NEED TO CLEAR OUT STOCK
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FACT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE AN OBSOLETE DORK IN JUST 3
WEEKS!!
In conclusion: Neo, we need synopsis writers. Lots of synopsis writers.
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