July is Chibi Chibi Month

Monday, July 12th - 12:02 am
Update - Jay Navok

July has been improved.

July is supposed to be many things. National Ice Cream Month. National Recreation and Parks Month. And even Hemochromatosis Screening Awareness Month. The fact is none of those are important, especially not that last one. Rather, in our infinite wisdom, we have declared July to be Chibi Chibi Month.

It is important for us to occasionally show our gratitude to this manifest star-seed for all the things she has provided us with:

A universe not filled with chaos

A Seiya with dessert on his face

Vanilla Coke

The movie Maverick

Other

There are some things she provided us with that we could do without, namely Kidz Bop, but for the most part it's all good.

Today we will celebrate the many victories of Chibi Chibi, as well as uncover a few stories which she would certainly have preferred to have left covered, but then she shouldn’t keep a diary whose proclamation against viewing its contents consists of the cryptic phrase, “Do Not Chibi.”

Thus, Chibi Chibi, we salute you!

Chibi Chibi has done many things for us. In addition to greatly entertaining us with her many intentional gaffes and hypothetically innocent reactions to situations, she saved us from the world’s greatest evil. She totally deserved a lollipop for that but I hate carrying change and so didn’t break the twenty, but one day I’ll definitely get her it and then she’ll be willing to leave the department store I left her at.

Chibi Chibi willingly sacrificed herself in the battle with Chaos and became the light of hope that Usagi then broke. Chibi Chibi never forgave Usagi for being such a dumb-ass and breaking an unbreakable sword. Even today she complains to Sailor Galaxia on a regular basis, “She broke me. She f@$#king BROKE me. IT HURTS WHEN YOU BREAK PEOPLE. I mean HOLY CRAP you’d think she’d be gentle wielding my infinite power but NOOOOOO.” These days Galaxia either rolls her eyes or says, “Jeez get a new frickin’ line” to which Chibi Chibi always responds, “You have no appreciation for me! I hate you. I’m leaving!” She then shoots to some random planet where she bitches to random strangers on the street but they’re always like, “Why are you following me.” This irks Chibi Chibi so she taunts them back, “Why are you following me.” They get pissed off but we all know how this ends- umbrella in their nose.

Chibi Chibi laughs in your face, you mere mortal!

Galaxia often finds herself regretting saying anything when Chibi Chibi gets in her moods because the Galactic Cauldron is an outdated piece of crap running Windows 95 OS/1 and it takes a couple millennia for her to do a search for Chibi Chibi. (She wants to upgrade but there just aren’t many places hiring infinitely powerful senshi these days.) It’s a tad inconvenient to be missing your star seed. Not that a star seed really does anything, she just gets gassy without it.

Chibi Chibi also brought delight into the hearts of old people by destroying stuff. Every old rich person loves it when some little ball of excitement boulderdashes into their house and eats their candy and breaks their really expensive antique crap. This works out well because despite appearances Chibi Chibi really really loves breaking things. Every year for her birthday Galaxia buys her a Ming Vase and Chibi Chibi smashes it on the floor and giggles madly. The fact is that Chibi Chibi has a lot of angst.

While certainly there are many reasons for us to be grateful for Chibi Chibi, we also need to pay tribute to Chibi Chibi because she constantly needs to be told how utterly incredible and omnipotent and great she is otherwise she loses self-confidence and then gets angry and starts hurling lightning bolts and talking about hellfire and whatnot.

Thus, here are some things that Chibi Chibi did which may change the minds of those of us unwilling to respect the Chibi Chibi.

Chibi Chibi was the cause of the Romanov’s disappearance. Many have heard the story of the missing Princess Anastasia and the disturbing events surrounding her family’s disappearance thanks to animated propaganda by the Fox Studios. Chibi Chibi was the mastermind behind this operation- her hair color isn’t the only part of her that’s red.

Chibi Chibi was calculating. She knew that with the House of Romanov still in power the revolution could not come to fruition, and was willing to take any measures necessary to secure her powerbase. Having already successfully disposed of Rasputin (all she did was kick him out of the mansion; she don’t know nothing about no murderin’) she set her sights on the throne. After the coup she installed the Romanovs in an out-of-the-way bunker. This might have been the end of it had Anastasia not tried to escape. It upset Chibi Chibi to have to take out the Romanovs, but Chibi Chibi knew what had to be done. After all, Chibi Chibi couldn’t risk them exposing her. She sent them to Disneyworld.
Unfortunately, although she ran Russia with an iron grip, Chibi Chibi did not have the attention span to take care of Stalin appropriately. Having pre-occupied her with some ginger snaps, he managed to usurp her. She threw a pie in his face but Stalin was actually a robot and banana cream doesn’t really faze robots.
At a famed White House dinner party of the 1920s Chibi Chibi once defiantly attempted to one-up the President. Dressed in her Sunday best and brazenly strutting, as was the fashion at the time, the petit pretty soldier stood next to the widely renowned ‘Silent Cal’ and lay down her challenge. Boldly, she proclaimed in front of all the rest of the Washington Insiders (among whom she was well known), “I bet someone that I could get more than two words out of you.” Coolidge bent down to match her, stared her right in her fiery blue eyes and said, “You lose.” Just as he was about to walk away with the win, Chibi Chibi retorted, “Yuu ruuzu.”

Look into her eyes, if you dare.

The battle of wits had begun.

Silent Cal was not a coward- he knew when the stakes were high. In a chortling voice he said back to her, “You lose.” Chibi C. slammed Coolidge hard: “YUU ruuzu.” The fate of the free world hung in the balance whilst the two engaged in verbal combat well into the night. If it weren’t for a passing butterfly the casualties on both sides would have been devastating. History has been cruel to Chibi Chibi, however. As Coolidge frolicked in the garden chasing it, the reporters in attendance that evening turned the tables on the victor and proclaimed Chibi Chibi to have been the one distracted by a passing lepidoptera. Not actually capable of understanding English or even the concept of language despite having a bachelor’s degree in Communication (is phony major; Chibi Chibi learn nothing! Nothing!), Chibi Chibi had no idea that in the paper the next day it was the President was applauded for his iron resolve against the spunky star-seed.
The point is that it WAS HER TOWEL and Seiya totally shouldn’t have been using it and he deserved everything he got. Okay, it’s true that Chibi Chibi was insanely curious as to whether ‘down there’ really changed during ‘his’ henshin sequence, but that’s still no justification for blaming her for anything when it was HER TOWEL. Given all the smoochin’ Seiya was making toward her guardian stUpid-sagi she had to be careful of not letting any weird ass gender-switchers into her house. She’d seen Jurassic Park. She knew what that ability was capable of leading to. Raptors. Them bastards are cunning. If there’s one thing Chibi Chibi hates it’s raptors. For all she knew Seiya could have been in league with them and that would NOT have been good for business. She’d invested a lot in the park, damn John Hammond.

Thus, if you have a forum membership, join us in celebrating Chibi Chibi month by placing a Chibi Chibi picture in your sig with the phrase, “July is Chibi Chibi Month.” You’ll be glad you did. In fact, you’re better off doing it; you don’t want to face the wrath of an unhappy rogue star seed.

Thanks theedqueen, Otaku Witch, and Neeko for their graphics.

Incidentally, today I got the TV Japan Satellite Channel installed. It’s awesome stuff and highly recommended for those studying the language. (While they don't have the Sailor Moon drama, they do have the Ace wo Nerae! drama which I'm definitely going to try to catch.) As I watched live Japanese election results coverage while eating one of those delicious new ½ pound Beef-and-Potatoe burritos from Taco Bell, I thought to myself, Truly the global age has arrived. And truly will I be spending a long time on the can tonight.

An hour ago I saw on the news there this interesting piece of information. Apparently some people belonging to a carrier company took Fuji TV/TBS drama "location buses" (I guess the trailers they take to shoots) without permission and were arrested.

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