Sunday, April 11th -
12:51 am
Update -
Jay Navok
Completely
Libelous Review of Episode 67: Part 1
|
|
|
HEY
TOEI REMEMBER THIS SERIES THAT MADE YOU A LOT OF MONEY??! |
Today's update may take a little while to load as it's image heavy. Hosting thanks to Bill Heineman,
screen captures thanks to staff member Bruce Clark.
Given
my not-so-subconscious desire to get sued for slander, it is also ridiculously
crude and should not be read by anyone.
Ever since ADV announced
last year that Episode 67 of the Sailor Moon (R) anime series would not be
included in the "uncut" boxset, there has been a great deal of speculation as
to why it may have been left out. DiC did not have it in their dubbed run either, and given
that no R2 Sailor Moon R release has been scheduled, the only place to see it
is the original LD release of the anime series a decade ago.
Yet perhaps it is
better that way. At the time the
episode was cut, ADV's spokesperson said that it was because he "heard the
manga creator didn't like that episode." We here do not necessarily know if this
is true or not, but after deeper analysis of this episode, we can see not only
why she might not have liked the episode, but perhaps why it is the biggest black
mark in the history of the Toei animation studio.
What apparently happened was
this: as with the Ail/Ann arc, the animation was getting too far ahead of the
manga. The writers needed to create a filler episode in between the other filler
episodes. Given that this was too much filler for the regular filler writers to
handle, who were too busy thinking of filler of their own, they hired the people
who wrote Scooby Doo. Unfortunately the people who wrote Scooby Doo were senile
and fairly insane by the 1990s but they could still write a damn good episode of
Scooby Doo and the Thirteen Ghosts given that there was in fact only one
ghost and that ugly chick Velma wasn't around.
Having taken over the reigns for one episode
of a show they had never seen before but knew that it consisted of young
teenage girls in shorts skirts, these writers decided that the anime needed to
cater to a particular niche it had been ignoring for quite some time: sexual
deviants.
The episode begins on a hot summer day with Makoto's heaving bosom leading
Usagi and Minako onward and upward. The blonde duo and big breasted brunette dislike the fact that they have
to do work for school rather than being able to sit around and complain about the heat.
When they reach the top of the shrine steps they run into Chibiusa, who is like
the Chibiusa in the live action series except she's actually there and she
hadn't jumped around in a bikini in an idol DVD to get the part.
They ask Chibiusa what she is doing at the shrine, and Chibiusa answers,
"To get away from the heat." This makes complete sense because heat
doesn't rise and so a shrine on top of a hill would naturally be cooler
according to the laws of Chibiusa physics. Also gravity is made by Luna-P's
excrement.
They ask her if Rei is around, and Chibiusa informs them that Rei is in fact
on a deserted island. (If the screenshot above is correct, she apparently
arrived there by schooner.) We are not told the how or why or what or when
or who of this island but my informant tells me it's a secret place known only
to miko and they only get one week a year according to the way the
timeshare works and who is in fact on first which just screws everything up.
Usagi is quite upset at the notion of not being able to see Rei sunbathing,
despite the fact that the image of her doing so is fairly clear in her own mind,
so she grabs Chibiusa and demands to know where this island is. Chibiusa being
the incredibly helpful child that she is, and furthermore, being completely
in-character with the rest of the series, immediately tells them where Rei is.
The plan comes together quickly now: first they will obtain some deodorant,
then it is off to Rei's island, the directions to which were clearly etched in
Chibiusa's mind from the time Rei painstakingly explained the wormhole
process to her.
Finally, the episode title flashes across the screen. Supposedly it reads,
"The sea! An island! Vacation! The senshi relax!" but who ever tells
you that is a liar and should be burned at the stake for witchcraft for reading foreign characters that, like dancing and mulberry bushes, are clearly an
affront to the humble Puritan church, because the actual title is "Shaggy
goes to France."
As it turns out, Rei has gone to C-Island from Pilotwings 64. There she is
practicing her devastating "flinging paper into the water" attack with
which she can obtain many fish who enjoy the taste of slightly holy-fied paper.
This ensures she'll only catch Yummy fish, and that means means she'll be able
to save Cid!
Unfortunately Rei needs a lot more practice doing her paper flinging attack
because she's always defying the Luna-P gravitational constant and going upside
down and then falling whenever she hears other people's voices.
The next scene is just like the opening to Fushigi Umi no Nadia except
not at all like it. The beach is alive with the sound of music and, magnetized
by sound waves, the girls run toward Rei's ass, which is the source of the music
because it is playing Sakura Fubuki.
The sea god does not appreciate Sakura Fubuki and so it crashes its
anger upon Rei.
The girls have arrived on a 25' Cabin Cruiser. Given that the
writers are the people who did Scooby Doo, it does not matter who this Cabin
Cruiser belonged to, just like it didn't matter that "the gang" was
never paid for solving any of their mysteries so how the hell could they afford
things like gasoline during the oil drought of the 1970s?
They enter Rei's fancy paper-mache miko hut and make themselves at
home.
Straws are placed into balls and are sucked on. (I am told these are supposed
to be coconuts.) Rei is upset because she wanted to practice, but Usagi points
out that they came only for Chibiusa's sake because Chibiusa was lonely and
wanted Rei very badly. Usagi holds Chibiusa's mouth closed while she says
this because it is important that Chibiusa learn to chew properly.
Rei explains that she understands why scrappy doo wanted to come, but she
does not understand why the rest have arrived and interrupted her important
practice session. The others solemnly admit that they came just to
swim and have fun. Rei is about to admonish them but like a modern-day Woodward
and Bernstein, Luna and Artemis pull out Rei's bathing suit from her
suitcase.
Rei would never do such a thing and I am of the opinion that those voyeur
felines planted said bathing suit just so they could shove their cat butts in front of the
camera.
Finally we get to the point of the episode, which is to see the asses of
animated teenage girls in bikinis. Since the writers wanted to appeal to sexual
deviants of all types, including those who would purchase Koike
Rina's DVD, Chibiusa is in a bathing suit too.
Luna-P smiles as it floats overhead because a Luna-P not smiling would mean
Puu is angry. Last time that happened it was because Puu broke a nail, and that
meant Marty McFly had to go to the Wild West to find Doc which makes as much
sense for the plotline of the third movie in a trilogy as Ewoks. (But Doc was
smart enough to make the new DeLorean run on Ewoks, and so he never had to worry
about breaking the town clock again.)
Next it was time for a fun, entirely perverted montage of sorts, except there
wasn't any campy 60s music while the girls randomly opened doors, which was disappointing.
Instead, the light shines down from heaven upon the blatantly illegal goddesses,
while Makoto struggles with her grip on the bent rod.
Large inflated balls are tossed around (how can a team with Minako and Makoto
on one side, and Chibiusa on the other, possibly lose?) and devious holes are
thrust into mounds.
From the inside of the curious cavity we see a mushroom-shaped object rise
majestically out of the water and stare with its beady little eye. I mean eyes.
In the next scene, Makoto prepares the girls' lunch consisting of various
fish and other not-so-delectable delicacies that we must assume she caught in
the span of time between when they are shown eating and when we last saw Makoto
(fishing after volleyball during the montage), all whilst while Luna-P
grinningly inspects Chibiusa's back.
Chibiusa declares that she hates fish and throws hers to the ground. Rei is
shocked at her sudden abrasiveness, and Chibiusa says, "I hate Rei-chan
[too]." Unfortunately they cut short the line as it was supposed to be,
"... because we need a cheap way to advance that flimsy thing we're calling
the plot in this episode."
As the slightly burnt fish on a stick is thrown to the ground, the camera
focuses on it briefly, then pans out to a lone Native American shedding a tear.
Instead of eating out Makoto's grilled goodness, Chibiusa goes back to her
inner tube. There naturally being many carnivorous sharks in the clear blue
waters off the coast of Japan (I am assuming they did not take their cabin
cruiser to, say, Australia, in the middle of their fight with the Black Moon and
within the span of a morning) the sharks of course head toward the pinkish thing
that is hovering on the surface of the water, because things that are not
bleeding and not moving and sitting just above the water are what killer sharks
are instinctively drawn toward.
From out of nowhere (or from that scene where she saw it in the distance
through a hole) comes our hero, the not-at-all-subtly phallic shaped plesiosaur.
Getting a good grip, Chibiusa takes him for a ride.
She quickly finds that rubbing him in various places makes him go faster. A
lesson for life to be sure.
Note how happy she has made him. And look how convenient his onboard motor
is!
After enough strokes, she gets his motor going, and awaaaaay they go!
Meanwhile, Luna and Artemis once again shove their cat anuses up to the
screen, and then the girls realize that no one knows where Chibiusa went ever
since her angst spat. Nor do they know that at this point she's far more
experienced than they are.
They take their fancy short-bus boat onto the water, past the island of the
sirens, and begin their search.
The camera switches to an overhead cut of Cobra's secret lair. This time the
Baroness had the brilliant idea not to carve a cobra head into the
coincidentally active volcano, because by avoiding doing so she could probably
draw a tad less attention from GI Joe in the short time between when the base is
completed and when the volcano erupts. (Cobra's recent work motto is Slightly
More Practical Evil for the New Millennium.)
The plesiosaur heads toward the gaping hole at a ramming speed, being chased
by the malicious shark gang all the while. Whoever thrusts into the hole first
is the winner!
Since our friend the sea monster was cheating, it became the victor. (The
lesson is always cheat, and let little girls ride you.)
Sadly he was injured in the process of saving his new [victim]
friend and being a good little girl who always carries around her trusty Luna-P
medical kit, Chibiusa applies cotton swabs to the wound.
That's right, Generic Cotton Swabs©: they'll heal any wound inflicted
as long as the scenario is completely improbable to begin with. From the makers
of Enertron:. HP/MP are restored!....but you're still hungry.
The beast winces but after she ties up his arm, he is grateful at Chibiusa's
friendship. And whatever festering pain from the wound is gone after Luna-P's
(completely legal in some countries) pink powder begins wafting through their
nostrils.
The two express a mutual desire for Twinkies.
Things have not been going so well for the senshi, though. They have come up
short in their search. While Makoto drives the boat ("I just know how to
drive boats, okay, don't ask any complicating questions") Rei uses her
divining power to purchase stock options. Ami complains about losing precious
studying time looking for someone who's probably already dead. Usagi and Minako
say nothing important because people with blonde hair should be seen and not
heard.
A shadow passes under the boat but it turns out only to be some radioactive
waste and raw sewage which means there is no cause for concern.
Yet why do Luna and Artemis make such foreboding faces? Could it be because
they are unable to shove their rears in our faces again? Or something far more
sinister...
To be continued!
Post a comment in the forums E-mail
Jay Navok Archives
